The past week I have not been able to blog as I’ve been living in emotional hell. Everything that I worked so hard for in the past 5 years literally amounted to absolutely nothing. All in a matter of a week my entire life turned upside down and through no fault of my own. Everything I worked for was taken away from me. Everything I earned was stripped from me. It makes me question the universe and my spiritual path. Is the universe helping me or is it testing me? Either way, it doesn’t feel good. I feel so disappointed by the universe. I feel like asking why me, why now, why does the universe keep testing my faith in myself, humanity, and everything else.
I feel so angry, dejected, disappointed and abandoned by the universe. I am burning up inside with feelings of hate, hate for myself and this world. I cannot believe that the universe that I believed so much in would turn its back on me. I don’t understand why this lesson presented itself to me. I don’t need anymore lessons, I just need to catch a break, is that too much to ask for? These feelings aren’t going away. These feelings are lingering and creating darkness in my life. Darkness that I don’t want and need. This darkness is plaguing my mind with negativity.
After feeling sorry for myself for a week, I realize these feelings aren’t going away. So, what is a girl to do? Let it burn! Let those feelings of hate, disappointment, abandonment and negativity burn so bright that you use it to fuel you. It’s weird because I literally woke up today, thinking screw these feelings. Screw the world/universe and its signs. If I am supposed to feel this way right now, it’s because I am supposed to use these feelings for a purpose. I am supposed to feel this exact feeling of hate to fuel the fire inside of me to move on. Since I can’t get rid of these negative feelings, I might as well use them.
I want to let my aggression out and scream at the universe, screw you for not having my back. Screw you for giving up on me. Screw you for proving to me yet again that I am completely alone. Screw you for making me doubt myself and my abilities as a spiritual being. I will NOT allow you to make me feel like I need to give up on myself.
The burning sensations within have overpowered me. I have never been so determined in my life to be in a better position than now. I can’t explain to you how liberating it is to know that your only fan in this universe is yourself. That feeling of fighting for yourself, your values, beliefs and your existence when nobody else would fight for you, is powerful. It’s almost as if, I had to feel the anger build within to develop this now, strong exterior. So what if everyone else has given up on me. So what if no one else believes in me. So what, ’cause I have too. At the end of the day no one else is going to live my life for me. I might as well pull a Kanye West and be my biggest fan. Even if the whole world doesn’t like me or want to see me succeed, I WANT TO SEE ME SUCCEED. I WILL SUCCEED.
Today, I learned a valuable lesson. Even if everything around me in my exterior world is against me, at least my inner being is with me. I can control those feelings any way I want. I can manipulate those hateful feelings to fuel me and motivate me to become what I always envisioned I would be. I will use the hate to drive me to become what I was destined to be.
Time to reflect:
So, I leave you now by asking, have you gone through periods in your life where negativity has overpowered you? How did you cope with it? Were you like me? Did you throw yourself a pity party for some time only to realize that it won’t do you any good? If you have negative feelings building up inside of you, my only suggestion is, from personal experience, let it burn! Let those feelings burn so hard and turn it in your favour. Use those feelings and free yourself. Use the hate to drive you. Use the disappointment to guide you. Use the abandonment as leverage to become your biggest fan. Be who you want to be and prove to the universe that no matter what happens, you, the individual, will NEVER give up on yourself.
“When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn”. ~ Harriet Beecher Stowe