Previously, I wrote about how I was getting tired of constantly being judged. Since my divorce, I have been judged by everyone and their grandmothers. I get it, I made a mistake and now the lords of judgement are here and passing their judgements on me. It’s inevitable, no matter where you go, you will be judged. I even dealt with abusive judgement, where it got to the point of me having suicidal thoughts because I couldn’t get away from my past. I felt like I was reliving all my failures over and over again and could never see the light at the end of the tunnel. I felt like I was stuck in a tunnel of mistakes because I was facing judgement every second of the day. I didn’t want to live like this anymore. So, I had to learn to cope with all this judgement.
One of the toughest lessons I learned was by cutting ties with the closest person to me, my mother. My mom is a tough individual, she sacrificed a lot, created a life for herself and I can learn a lot from her. However, because of all that she was able to accomplish on her own, she has a sense of entitlement and feels she can pass judgement. Which is completely fine, I accept it, but when it becomes abusive I will not tolerate it. After I made the decision to cut ties with my mom I was able to understand a lot more about her role in my life and what I was supposed to learn from all of this.
I know my mom was only trying to protect me and wants me to learn from my mistakes and that’s possibly why she reminded me of the negative past. But, her negative judgement was affecting me so much that it hindered my progress. I even took backward steps and made even more disastrous decisions on impulse to help me deal with the psychological abuse I was feeling. I had to change this pattern of, feeling such highs on my own and then feeling so low, when I went to look for validation and support from my mom. I could not change her personality but I could change my environment. I had to make a decision on my mental health and well-being. I could either put up with the abusive judgement and live rent free or I could spend money to have my own space and create a positive environment to help me heal and grow. So, I decided to move out on my own and got my parents blessing in the process.
The decision to move out allowed me to appreciate and salvage my relationship with my mom. I was able to finally get away from the constant negative judgement and now when I see my mom I get love and support because she misses me and is able to see my progress more clearly. By being away, I was able to show my mom that my past mistakes haven’t hindered me, in fact, they made me into a stronger individual. She was able to stop focusing on the bad and realize the good. While being away I was also able to consciously think of ways to cope with other types of judgement and this is what I came up with.
What to do when someone judges you:
- Smile and listen to the judgement being made – the act of smiling will alleviate any tension that immediately builds up when someone attacks your character or judges you
- Pause without responding for a full 30 seconds after judgement is made – by forcing yourself to pause and not respond, gives you a chance to calm down especially if negative feelings are brewing
- Don’t react emotionally – by not reacting emotionally to the judgement you take control of your actions and can objectively make decisions that will help you progress
- Thank the person for their judgement – by thanking the other person for their opinion, it makes them stop elaborating and continuing with their train of thought, which might include more judgment, this takes them off guard and it allows you to end the judgement and take control of the conversation and then you can redirect it to a more positive subject
- Redirect the conversation – after thanking the person, try to consciously redirect the conversation to a positive topic that you’ll both enjoy
- Meditate – if the person judging you has left a sour taste in your mouth long after the judgement and you continue to dwell on it, take the time to meditate and look inward and calm your mind, soon you will forget what the other person even said, because your inner being will comfort you
- Cut ties – if the person judging you is abusive and hinders your growth and negatively affects you, you have to re-evaluate the situation and see if that person should remain in your life, you might have to end all communication with that person for a short time or maybe even indefinitely
“It is not for me to judge another man’s life. I must judge, I must choose, I must spurn, purely for myself. For myself, alone.” ~ Hermann Hesse, Siddhartha