I remember a time when I used to be something that I am not, nor something I wish to ever be again. I remember a time when I became this person that I didn’t even recognize while looking at myself in the mirror. Let me tell you a story about my once superficial self.
I studied at the # 1 University of Canada and during those years I was introduced to a multitude of new experiences. It was during my university days that I realized there was so much more to me than meets the eye. I realized that I was rather attractive to the opposite sex and drew men in with my personality and looks. I had a hot body, killer style and boy could I dance. I was the life of the party, all without the need for alcohol or any other intoxicants. I started experimenting because that’s what students do. I experimented with my personality. I tried to embody the various personalities that I came across, such as the studious student, the wild party animal, the sexy seductress, the loyal girlfriend, the ride or die chick, the best friend, the spontaneous adventurous girl and the list goes on. Along the way I discovered my likes and dislikes, but most importantly what I learned was my own limitations. After experimenting for 4 years I finally decided to settle down into a personality that I felt was me, a stay at home wife. It was during this time that I developed the superficial me.
I remember a time when I never repeated the same clothes for 2 and a half years straight. I never even repeated my undergarments. I would spend hours getting ready putting on makeup, doing my hair and spending my husbands hard earned money on cosmetic procedures such as eyelash and hair extensions, dye jobs, fake nails, contact lenses, shoes, clothes and a whole list of self absorbed activities. I became obsessed with always looking different and having stylish clothing every day. I was known for my style and my “glamorous” lifestyle. Many of my friends at the time, were envious of what I amassed. This apparent freedom, to be pampered always and not having to work hard or contribute back to society in any meaningful way, was what made many jealous. Little did they know the darkness, depression and tragedy glooming within my soul that was developing as I continued on this destructive superficial path.
I had become so used to this superficial me, that when life changed it was like a ton of bricks just hit me. It was a very sudden change, everything around me was falling apart and dissolving into nothing. My identity that I built in the past few years was no longer something I could live with or wanted. I remember the day I realized the person I was looking at in the mirror was not who I ever wanted to be. I remember many occasions where I would stare at myself in the mirror and not recognize who I was through those coloured contact lenses. It took me losing everything to realize my limiations. I know what I am fully capable of. I can be a bitch, I can be selfish, I can be self absorbed, vindictive, and I can even hate and judge with no real reason. These traits I developed scared the shit out of me. I couldn’t in good conscience be that type of person to my children (if I decided to have any) and teach them these lessons in life; wasting money, spending without care, being vain, always chasing after happiness in material things, and etc.. This thought was haunting me and I finally had a breakthrough one day when my entire world came crashing beneath me. My ex filed for divorce because of a selfish mistake I made. That loss of identity freed me from the monster I was becoming.
The person I was becoming was never my intention. Life happened and it forced me to make unconscious decisions that felt good at the moment based on misinformation. The many choices I made were never thought out and quite reckless and detrimental to the well being of myself and others. This habit was almost becoming my character and that fact alone was the wake up call I needed to change who I was. I never want to be remembered for my superficial ways, instead I want to share my story of my demise to help inspire you. I want you to realize that not everything is as it seems, not even you. Those happy moments you are experiencing are not real if you are not content with your being. For me, it took losing myself and my soul to be found again. I had to experience the journey of losing sight of who I am and want to be by becoming something I was not meant to be. If you are also experiencing this dual personality, it may be your soul screaming out at you to rediscover who you are actually supposed to be.
“I am aware that I am less than some people prefer me to be, but most people are unaware that I am so much more than what they see.” ~ Douglas Pagels