Sometimes in life we come across people that, logically speaking, we should not be with.  I am speaking of people that come into our lives to teach us lessons, turn our worlds upside down, and change or transform us into better versions of ourselves.  With these people, when it comes to the matters of the heart, all logic will be defied and nothing will make any sense.  These are the same people that have a constant pull on the strings of our hearts and we just can’t explain why.  When the heart really (with pure and good intentions) wants something, nothing can or will break that desire.

Have you ever been in a relationship that you know is not good for you?  Have you been in a relationship that hinders your own growth and you know you wouldn’t want to pursue it in the future?  You know the person you’re with at the present moment does not have all the qualities you hope for and desire in a partner.  But, for some reason you believe in a potential in them that you can only see with your heart?  You are fighting constantly to hold onto something, some slight form of hope, that everything you thought you knew or believed in about that person would eventually come true.  I know wise people always say that if a person hasn’t changed or is unwilling to change for the sake of your relationship than that person will never change.  Logic even proves time and time again that a person unwilling to make sacrafices or positive changes for a relationship doesn’t deserve to be in that relationship.  Furthermore, more often than not, people in those types of relationships don’t last forever.  How do you convince your heart to go the other way even after you know the million reasons for not being with that person you’re holding onto?

It’s hard to be a positive role model to others when you can’t seem to manage your own life, heart and mind.  However, I have to be honest about my personal struggles.  I can’t be a good role model if I mask my problems and try to convince myself that I am completely in control when I know I am completely out of control.  I have to be honest about my weaknesses so that I can make the appropriate changes.  Struggling with this inner battle of the heart and mind is taking a severe toll on my spirit and being.  My soul wants to believe in something that I can’t convince my mind of.  My logical side keeps kicking in and telling me this person is not good for me.  My mind shows me all the  things I will be giving up by continuing to pursue this relationship.  My mind and sometimes even my heart tells me that this person isn’t treating me the right way because he isn’t ready or he doesn’t deserve me.  It’s like the smart person in me knows all the things that are wrong with this whole situation.  But the lover, dreamer and optimist in me shows me a picture of how great it could be.  I see something great in the other person that the rest of the world fails to see.

I just don’t know how to get rid of this iron grip hold this person has over my heart.  I know a million reasons why I shouldn’t be with him, yet I can’t let go.  He isn’t even meeting my bare minimum standards of what I expect in a partner.  Is this a battle of my ego?  Is this really true love?  Why is my soul so connected to this individual?  Why do I feel like I can’t let him or myself down by giving up on him?  Why is this happening to me?  Something keeps pulling me back to him even though he flips the script and makes it seem like everything is my fault.  I know I sound absolutely nuts to anyone watching or reading this from the outside.  I feel crazy because I can’t make any sense of my emotions.  I am smart, so why can’t I let go of something that’s this unhealthy?  Why do I keep convincing myself that there is something more that I can’t seem to grasp just yet?  I can give the best advice to others about getting out of dysfunctional relationships, however, I can’t apply the same advice to my own situation.  Why is this?  What is wrong with me?

After struggling with this inner battle of the heart and mind for so long, I feel so broken.  I feel like I cannot be the person I wish to be by holding onto this.  At the same time, I feel like I can’t be what I wish to be without conquering this relationship either.  My heart knows what it wants, but, is what it wants even right?  In the present moment, I don’t know.  However, what I do know is, I am going to stop this battle.  I am going to trust my heart to do the right thing.  Even if it breaks, I will walk away knowing my heart was absolutely true to itself.  The only thing I can do at this point is to be honest about my struggles and hope that everything will work itself out.  I have no idea what the future holds, I only know what is held inside my heart right now.  Since there is no predicting tomorrow, I will be true to my heart today.  I will continue loving without condition.  Maybe this is exactly the purpose of this person in my life.  Maybe this is the universe’s and God’s plan to help teach me how to finally love without conditions and accept someone wholeheartedly with all their faults.  Until I figure it out, I’ll allow my heart to continue to go after what it wants.

 Time to reflect:

Are you in an unhealthy relationship that you just can’t seem to get away from?  Mine has dragged on and on for years.  It’s been a roller coaster ride indeed.  I have learned many things throughout the years, but, the most important lesson I learned was to be present and aware of my feelings in the moment.  I am not here to hide my faults and weaknesses.  I want to be a role model that can help others and most importantly help myself.  I can only accomplish that by exposing some of my deepest secrets in the hopes that someone who is sharing a similar experience can also learn and apply my life lessons to their own.  If you’re like me, trapped in a vicious cycle, trust the part of your body and spirit that speaks the loudest.  If it’s your heart listen to it.  If it’s your mind, listen to that.  Either way, be true to how you are feeling in the present moment.  Do your abolute best to be true to your feelings and take it slow and just hope for the best.  Trust yourself.

“No relationship is ever a waste of time. If it didn’t bring you what you want, it taught you what you DON’T want.” ~ bubu