March 25, 2015

My Dreams Are So Big They Scare Me

My dreams are so big that I get scared. I get so scared that I’m immobilized at times. I develop anxiety while speaking to others about my dreams. I get lost and confused and I procrastinate because I have no idea where to start or when too. I end up putting off work because I get too scared about starting the process, fearing how deep I will be involved. Will it be too late to turn back once I start? What if after declaring, to the world, of my intentions I am not capable of accomplishing my dreams? What if everyone is right about me being incapable? My dreams are so big that I don’t even want to share it with others because I fear that I will jinx it somehow. Even speaking to others about my dreams alienates me. Others often look at me with pity because they “know” I won’t make it. Well, you know what? I have lived in this fear for long enough and I want to finally break free from this trap.

Today, I want to share with you for the first time what my dream is. My dream is to change this world. I have a fire in me that wants to change this world, for the better. I imagine drastic changes taking place in the future that will help change the way we view ourselves, each other and how we live our day to day lives. This change cannot happen until it happens within my very soul. So, for the past 5 years I have been on a spiritual quest toward self discovery. My spiritual quest is helping me discover my own potential so that I can eventually help others find it within themselves. Seems simple enough right, it’s not such a big dream when you really think about it, right? LOL.

Have you ever dreamt of achieivng something that is SOOOO BIG that no one seems to understand what you are talking about, including yourself at times? Have you ever dreamt of something so big that people actually look at you like you’re nuts? Have you ever been put down because of your big dreams? I have, countless number of times. Each time I opened my mouth to try to explain my dreams to others I was laughed at. People would actually burst out laughing telling me to let go of such foolish dreams. I have been judged and ridiculed and even told that I will NEVER achieve my dreams. I have been told this by those closest and dearest to me and one would think this would’ve discouraged or hurt me. Actually, the exact opposite occurred.

Being laughed at and told that I could never accomplish what I wanted too, fuelled a fire in me. It has forced me to look inward to see what it is about my dreams that others can’t seem to understand. While trying to figure this out, I realized some inevitable truths.

Number one: Trust in yourself and in your dreams.
Even if no one else seems to understand, care or support you, I want you to be your own believer. You have to keep in mind that your dreams are YOUR DREAMS, no one elses. No one has a right to put your dreams down, no one has a right to laugh at your dreams or to make you feel like you cannot accomplish your dreams unless you give them the power too. There will always be people, even those closest to you, that will never understand the scope of your dreams and in their world it will seem completely impossible or unattainable. My advice to you on how to deal with them…let them be. Let them think and act whatever way they want too because at the end, it’s not their dreams, it’s YOURS.

Number two: You do not need permission or validation from others to dream your dreams. Can I tell you how many times I looked for validation of my dreams in others. Oh my God, I looked toward everyone else but myself to validate those dreams. Doing this is a waste of your time and energy. No one will validate your dreams for you. You have to wake up one day with the decision to dream your own dreams and take ownership of said dreams. You have to make a conscious effort to tell yourself that you will validate your own dreams through appropriate actions.

Number three: Don’t allow your ego to distract you from your dreams. Do not allow your ego, that voice in your mind, to steer you away from your dreams. The ego will play tricks on you and play on the negativity brought on by others. Do not give power to that voice and have it control your actions or thoughts. Our ego has a tricky way of playing games with us and convincing us that we are not good enough or we don’t deserve whatever we are striving for. We have to learn to hush that voice and not allow it to distract us from our vision.

Number four: Do no fear the outcome, go for it and take a risk! Don’t allow fear to paralyze you. Fear is the one illusion that our ego plays with on a day to day basis. The fear of not achieving your goals may seem like a lot but what if you DID achieve your goals? The fear of being embarassed might prevent you from taking action, but what if you were applauded instead? The fear of the unknown often stops many of us from pursuing things because we, as humans, want reassurance or confirmation that what we are about to do will pan out results. This fear of the unknown has made many greats fall to mediocracy. Stop putting emphasis on the what ifs and go for it and take action before time runs out. It’s better to risk it all and live with no regrets than wondering for the rest of your life, “Why didn’t I just try?”

If your dreams are so big that you are afraid of them, that is the universe telling you, you’re on the right path. If your dreams don’t scare you, you’re not dreaming big enough. By dreaming small, whatever you are hoping for will eventually come true, it’s just the reality. Studies have shown that humans who have set “realistic goals” have 9/10 times achieved those goals. So, if you’re gonna dream, might as well be SO BIG that eventually, it will come true!

“The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.” ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

March 18, 2015

Do You Drink Enough Water?

Do you drink enough water? Because I know I don’t! In fact that is one of my goals this year, to drink a lot more water. Did you know that the human body is made up of 80% water? That’s right, 80% of our body is made of water which means we really need to improve our water intake.

One of my many problem is that I don’t consume enough water. What this is doing to my body is actually not helping me age gracefully. By not drinking enough water I am not flushing the toxins in my body properly and I’m not giving my kidneys the right tools to help it work effectively. Also, by not drinking enough water I’m noticing my skin is getting exessively dry and not looking as nice and youthful anymore. I know some of you ladies and even men may share my pain and that is why I am reminding you all to drink an adequate amount of water.

Typically, we should all be drinking approximately 8 glasses of water a day. I know this sounds like a lot, but, remember we are made up of 80% water. So, shouldn’t we put back into our body what we are made of? Lately, what I’ve been doing is drinking a bottle of lemon detox water first thing in the morning when I wake up. The taste was definitely something I had to get used too, but, it definitely made a huge improvement in flushing out harmful toxins. Throughout the day I drink 2-3 extra large green teas and by the evening I’ll consume about 2-3 bottles of standard spring water. This routine has definitely been difficult to get used too, as I am constantly running to the bathroom, but, they say anything good for you will not be easy. So, I urge you all, take a look at your water intake and see how you can improve your water consumption.

Here are some of the main benefits of drinking water:
Drinking Water Helps Maintain the Balance of Body Fluids.
Water Can Help Control Calories.
Water Helps Energize Muscles.
Water Helps Keep Skin Looking Good.
Helps Purify and Stimulate the Liver.
Water Helps Your Kidneys.
Water Helps Maintain Normal Bowel Function.

Recipe for Lemon Water:
3-4 lemons, cut into thin slices
1/2 cucumber, cut into thin slices
10-15 mint leaves
5 quarters of warm water

Mix all the ingredients together and let it sit overnight to create a natural detox!

February 7, 2015

Stop the negative self-talk

For most of my life I’ve dealt with negativity, as I’m sure many people have as well. The negativity that I’m speaking of is constantly being told that my actions are never good enough or that my performance was just ok. I hardly ever heard any words of encouragement or appreciation for what I did or tried to do. I was never told that I made someone proud until my 30th birthday, I am now 31. I was always compared to other people my age or within my culture and even though I was more successful than others it was never acknowledged. So, those of you reading this might think, “Well, ok buttercup, just suck it up and move on because life could be worse”. And yes, you’re right life could definitely be worse. I could be living in Syria right now and witnessing my family and friends being blown to pieces because of false wars. But, the reason why I am writing about this is because this negativity that others deal with has now spilled over into my own personality.

I have always been the type of person to look for the best in every bad situation. I am an encourager and I understand that in order to motivate others and myself you have to build people up, not break them down. I am fully aware of this, however, after years and years of being spoken to in that manner, I started speaking to myself negatively. At first, I reasoned with myself and convinced myself that being insulted is a good thing. In fact, if you go back to my previous blogs you will see I even wrote about how being broken helps push me to make better decisions in life. However, as I’m noticing my own negative self-talk I am seeing how it actually affects me. It’s one thing to be spoken to in that manner by others, but, why would I want to speak to myself that way?

I got into a bad habit over the last little while where I would literally stand in front of the mirror and talk down to myself whenever I slacked off or didn’t accomplish a desired goal. I would tell myself horible things like, “Bitch you don’t deserve this business because you’re lazy”. Now, I’m not saying this to myself in a derogatory way, whereby, I’m yelling at myself and being condesending. I’m talking to myself like I would a friend and use the term “bitch” to mean bad ass girl not that I’m actually a bitch. But, as I kept doing this I realized how negatively this was impacting my emotions. Instead of walking away feeling uplifted after my pep talk, I felt defeated and be flooded with doubt. This negative talk was something I had just gotten so used to that talking to myself in a loving manner seemed super foreign and abnormal.

Once I realized the negative implications of negative self-talk I changed my habit and started showering myself with compliments. I would look at myself in the mirror and tell myself things like, “You are beautiful and you deserve the absolute best” or “You are so talented and you should be proud of yourself for how far along you’ve come.” The simple choice in talking to myself in a loving manner drastically improved my life and my perspective of myself. I no longer look at myself with pity or regret, instead I see infinite potential. I finally don’t need any validation from anyone else because I’m providing that to myself. The feeling is great, to be told you are amazing, even if it’s you talking to yourself. So, going forward, I have decided I will forever STOP the negative self-talk and be my own cheerleader. There is already so much negativity that exists in this world, don’t add to it by being your own worst critic. Learn to love yourself and speak to yourself in the same manner you would to a boyfriend or girlfriend. This change in language and attitude will make a huge difference in your life and give you the confidence you need to tackle anything and everything.

“By reinforcing negative thoughts, I am giving up on self-worth.” ~ Andrea Marti

January 19, 2015

“Floating”

My intention for this year is to try as many new things as humanly possible. So, two weeks ago on a Monday night, I tried something totally new and different (for me), I tried “floating”. Floating is a new age therapeutic meditation or stress release technique or procedure that helps a person achieve sensory deprivation while floating in salt water in a dark tank or pod. The object of “floating” is to achieve complete sensory deprivation while becoming connected to ones self.

You can attempt active or passive floating depending on what you wish to achieve. If one wants to achieve relaxation, one would simply be passive and float and attempt to clear the mind. Active floating is different whereby one can perform different techniques. A person may perform meditation, mantras, self-hypnosis, or make use of educational programs to help achieve a certain state of awareness. Active floating allows the body to be in complete relaxation, thus, allowing the mind to become highly suggestible while taking in information into the sub-conscious and retaining it. This relaxed state can help in the healing process for many conditions such as stress, anxiety, pain, swelling, insomnia and jet lag.

A sensory deprivation pod/tank is about the size of an oversized bathtub or jacuzzi which closes and seals out sound and light. The tank is filled with water and uses epsom salt and magnesium sulfate in high concentration so that you achieve a complete weightlessness or “floating” sensation while in the tank. It is supposed to mimick the dead sea. There is roughly 1200 pounds of epsom salt in the tank, thus, creating such density that the entire body is floating with ease while keeping the head buoyant so not to drown.

Another benefit one gets from the tank/pod occurs because high concentration of magnesium helps enhance the therapy. Magnesium is absorbed through the skin due to natural molecular diffusion and plays a major role in correcting magnesium deficiencies in the body. Typically, magnesium is absorbed from the diet but in many areas of the world, over-cropping and other processes depletes necessary content of magnesium in our foods. The body naturally balances the levels of magnesium so there is no overload effect caused by the “floating”.

After trying “floating” I can honestly say I’ve already booked my next 5 sessions in advance. I plan to do this once a month for as long as I possibly can. I achieved such a state of awareness and connectedness with myself that I can’t even describe. I was able to hear myself, my true inner voice, calling me and guiding me. I was able to make definitive decisions that I wasn’t able to make prior to my session. I gained a confidence about myself after my session and I can’t even explain why, other than, it really helped me get inside my head and tell myself things that I already knew, but, avoided. “Floating” has definitely helped me open my mind and soul and I am looking forward to my next float session to uncover even more greatness trapped within myself.

“When I first tried a sensory deprivation tank, people thought I had lost my mind. In fact, I had found it.” ~ Ryan Lilly

December 31, 2014

Sleep Paralysis Part 2

Last night I experienced sleep paralysis again. This time, however, it was not like my first experience. I still felt the same crippling fear and shortness of breath as I felt during my first experience, but, the difference this time was in my overall reaction to it. This time I knew I was experiencing sleep paralysis and the images I saw were of a grim reaper slashing away at me while hovering over me. Knowing that I was going through this, I still felt a bit of panic at first, but, not as much as the first time. In fact, once I regained my composure, I started telling myself to try and get up and out of my body. I kept trying to move my body but I couldn’t. I finally pushed myself up and noticed a white noise getting louder and the air around me was vibrating intensely.

All of the sudden, with one mighty push I was thrown up into a standing position and I was in my room standing right in front of my dresser drawer. At this point the vibrations were so intense that it knocked me off my feet and back into my sleeping body. I woke up and felt my heart beating super fast. I finally had my first real “conscious” out of body experience and was fully aware and in control of it.

This time around I didn’t have anything negative or traumatic happen to me. Instead, I think I was opening myself up psychically to the experience and maybe subconsciously was hoping to finally get another crack at sleep paralysis. However, I do have to admit I did have a nightmare after that. I dreamt that my mother started crying and screaming for me to come help her. When I got to her I saw a huge growth on her lower back, around the kidney area. There was a huge lump protruding out of her body and she was in pain. She was afraid of dying and I held her in my arms and cried and begged her to be ok. I cried in my sleep a lot and when I awoke I could feel in my face the pain from crying while sleeping. After waking up I ran to my mothers room and grabbed her and hugged her. It was such an intense and gut wrenching dream. I felt helpless and hopeless.

I am logging this in my blog because I want to keep track of all my sleep paralysis and out of body exerpeinces. I want to go back and try to understand the relevence it has in my life. Why am I experiecing this? Is this me tapping into my infinite potential? What will I discover during these out of body experiences? How far can I go out of body? The point is, for the first time I was able to control something that seemed so uncontrollable. I am excited to have another out of body experience and looking forward to my next journey. I hope this time though, that I get passed my bedroom walls and possibly out into another dimension!

December 30, 2014

Intention setting

So the new year is fast approaching and boy do I mean fast, because it’s actually the day after tomorrow! Have you set resolutions for 2015 yet? If you haven’t, let me suggest you try something different. Instead of setting resolutions, why not set intentions? Intention setting is far more powerful than setting resolutions. When we set a resolution we limit ourselves to a set of items that need to be crossed off or “resolved” by a certain time frame. Instead of looking at our goals for the new year as a list of to-dos, we should be setting intentions of what we aim to achieve in the upcoming year.

By declaring your intentions to the universe and yourself, you are allowing magic to occur behind the scenes. Your soul emits an energy or frequency of waves that attract your said intentions. There is a big difference between setting intentions versus just stating or writing out your goals. When you have the intention to do something, you are not only thinking of the goal in mind, but you are also thinking of accompanying thoughts and actions that will coincide with your intentions. It’s like your brain is on hyperdrive and it is aligning your intention with all the little steps you should and could be implementing to help you achieve your desired intentions. By setting intentions, you allow yourself to be in the present moment while thinking and planning for the future.

Resolution setting is different. It forces you to think of only the future and when you will finally achieve the resolution. It takes away from your goal because it is seen as achievable or unachieveable. Your mind is being occupied by the wrong thoughts or being channelled in the wrong way. Your mind cannot think of accompanying actions that will help develop your goals or come up with other crazy alternate plans. It’s either a yes I achieved my resolution or no I didn’t achieve it. Whereas, if you set intentions, your focus is being simultaneously channelled in the present moment and the future so that you can actually manifest actions to help you achieve your goals, while also keeping your eye on the prize.

So, before you go into the new year, ask yourself of what your intentions are for the upcoming year. Ask yourself of what you wish for most from deep down inside your soul. Then with that intention set in place, focus on how you can manifest those intentions through certain actions. Doing this, you will achieve most if not all of your intentions for the new year.

“Character is the ability to carry out a good resolution long after the excitement of the moment has passed.” ~ Cavett Robert

November 15, 2014

Attitude of Gratitude

My attitude stinks! My attitude toward myself, most importantly, sucks and needs a major overhaul. I am realizing that in order for my attitude to change I have to make that change directly from inside of myself, no where else. I can’t go buy a bottle of gratitude, I can only achieve gratitude by focusing my attitude on feeling gratification instead of focusing on all the other feelings that are associated with “attitude”. Does this make sense?

Ok let me try to explain it a little more clearly. I grew up in a very negative enviroment. I constantly heard negativity and it was rare to ever hear words of encouragement. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t grow up being physically abused to the point where I claim I’m some victim. No no, not at all…I grew up with parents who lacked the ability to communicate positivity in a way that hindered my ability to develop gratitude. My dad is a very positive person, however, being married to someone who is beyond the scope of negativity, has taken a toll on his ability to communicate effectively. He still has the ability to make us feel encouraged and unstoppable but not through words or gestures, but, rather with an unspoken understanding. My mother, on the other hand, is so negative that I can safely say her negative attitude has definitely penetrated my character and I do catch myself being just like her at times. The saddest part is, the negativity I have learned from her doesn’t affect anyone else, it affects me directly.

What I have learned and how to cope with certain things is greatly attributed to the 30 plus years of influence by my family. Growing up I always heard that my life or my situation was never good enough. There was always something wrong, or missing, or not enough money, or not enough time or blah blah blah. These lessons were never taught by my dad, only my mom. She is the only person in my life that I could never understand because here is someone who has EVERYTHING going for her, yet, has the hardest time being GRATEFUL for all that she has. This ungrateful attitude spilled over in us, the kids and we started becoming ungrateful about everything, including our own selves.

Having never heard a thank you, or you did a great job, I’m so proud of you, and etc. I was never grateful to myself for all that I do for myself and those around me. I developed a poor attitude about who I am, where I’m going, what I want to be and etc.. I didn’t appreciate anything given to me, because I never realized how grateful I should be for receiving said blessings. I didn’t appreciate myself and all the wonderful things I do as a human being to contribute to this society. I didn’t appreciate my many gifts and talents that made me uniquely me. I didn’t appreciate the many great things I did for others. I didn’t learn to love myself and be honest about all that I have achieved and will achieve. My attitude about loving myself correctly really needed a wake up call. I needed to realize that how I talk to myself and how I feel about myself directly affects me and my overall well-being.

In order for me to change and become more grateful, I have to speak to myself in an encouraging and positive way. I have to go out of my comfort zone and make an extra effort to stop degrading myself, being self-critical and downright mean to myself. By speaking more lovingly and more honestly about how amazing I actually am, I can develop a much better attitude of gratitude. I can start to appreciate all the things around me and most importantly all the things within me. By allowing myself to love and speak to myself in a loving manner, where I tell myself that I am beautiful, smart, awesome or talented, I can finally be grateful for all that makes me, me! This will then spill over into my outer world and that same level of love that I have for myself will transcend and be reflected in my interactions with others. I will be able to encourage others and help them develop gratification as I exude the same level of gratification. By fixing my own attitude of gratitude I can help slowly make the changes both within my inner and outer worlds.

“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend.” ~ Melody Beattie

October 23, 2014

The Human “Race”

From the moment we are conceived to the moment we die, we, as humans, are living a race, known as the human “race”. Starting from the bare seeds within the male testicles the race begins with millions of sperm trying to outrun one another to fertilize the egg in the females uterus. This is where the race starts and then continues until we die. Have you ever wondered why it is that we perceive our lives like this? Everything a race, or a competition against one another and even against ourselves? Who are we trying to beat? Where are we trying to go too so fast? Why do we live in a society where we pin ourselves against each other and compete for better jobs, more money, a bigger and better house, or a better girlfriend or boyfriend?

Even when we look around us, everything is a competition or a race of some kind. From athletics to job hunting, to fame and fortune, to education to even child rearing. We are all living our lives trying to out do one another rather than working and collaborating together. The notion of helping one another and uplifting or empowering others who are not at a certain level is not a norm. We as humans love to see others fail, we love to see others being judged and degraded by those more superior. It’s like we have this sick twisted sense of living life.

Notice how even during the Roman Empire times gladiators would fight and peasants would be torn limb from limb savagely by animals while spectators watched happily as one of their own got tormented and destroyed right before their eyes. Now a days we do not live this barbarically, however, this sense of torment still goes on to this very day. From sports teams to reality show competitions to scholarships to getting the best jobs, it’s become this habit of ours to judge and criticize others and compare everyone to one another to find the “best” in this race we are living. I do get that in order for us to achieve certain things we do require the best of the best at times or we do want to learn from the best. I, myself, aspire to be the best at whatever it is I do, however, this constant competition mode we live in is not healthy for our beings.

I wish for a world where we work together and help others who are not at the same level achieve greatness. I wish for a world where the best teach the worst, while the worst teach the best about patience, mastering their own fine arts, and gaining the satisfaction of helping others in lesser positions than themselves. I wish for a world where we don’t have television shows that degrade a person who sings their soul out (even if they weren’t the best), but, instead praise him for being courageous enough to pursue his passion wile giving feedback on how to improve. I wish for a world where we don’t see women and men being pinned against each other in manipulated competitions just to win a million dollar prize but no satisfaction within our very soul. I wish to create a world where we empower one another, where if you lack a skill you can turn to your side and ask someone who doesn’t lack that skill to help you understand how to achieve greatness in that particular department. I wish for a world where, if we do watch television shows, that they teach us about team building and how to work with one another to help solve problems, rather than watch individuals instigate problems while breaking others down.

I know that the human race is far from what I wish it actually was, but, I have the intention to create change in this world and I will put it out into the universe. I want the world to be exactly as how I mentioned above. I aspire to make these changes and one day in the future these changes will happen.

“If the human race wishes to have a prolonged and indefinite period of material prosperity, they have only got to behave in a peaceful and helpful way toward one another.” ~ Winston Churchill

August 15, 2014

Cheating yourself

There have been countless times where I cheated myself. I set goals then lied to myself about the work I put in, the actual results I achieved, went back on my word, and even the reason why I was doing it to begin with. Who does this hurt at the end of the day? Only me! I write this because I need to put myself on blast for all the wrongs I am committing against myself. I am acknowledging the truth of my matter.

By cheating yourself you spiral into destructive habits. You fall into depression because you come across as a liar and a cheat to yourself. You create a persona of yourself that lacks discipline, self control, self worth, self respect, is weak and lacks integrity. By cheating yourself you trap yourself in this false identity of who you really are. You feel embarrased because your supporters believe in you so much while you lack any belief in yourself.

The reality is that I am not doing as much as I should be. I have many amazing ideas and I am excellent at starting things, however, I lack consistency and congruency. The fact is I need to be real with myself for my sanity. It’s great to have knowledge and speak of certain truths, but, what good is that if you cannot apply those truths to your own life and lead by example? I have a long way to go in terms of accepting my strengths and weaknesses. I am aware of my downfalls and by putting myself on blast I am not placing judgement or putting myself down, in fact, I am doing the exact opposite. I am allowing myself to grow and change because I cannot accept the current frame of mind I am in. I cannot live a life where my dreams and visions do not match my reality. If I know that I am cheating myself how can I ever be an example to those who look to me for help or advice? My advice would be biased or unjust because I would not be in the right frame of mind to help someone else.

Going forward, the only way I can avoid cheating myself is by being completely transparent with myself. If there are things I wish to do, I have be honest about my intentions. Why am I doing this, for who and what and etc.? I have to ask myself real questions and if I cannot answer those questions then I need to realize that what I am doing in that moment will only lead to me lying to myself. I have to consciously catch myself before I get into the habit of cheating myself by noticing my energy or lack there of. If my energy toward a particular goal or vision is not on high vibration mode, then it means I will not put all my effort into said activity. The reason why I will do this is to avoid getting involved in activities that will take time away from what is actually good for my development. By noticing my energy level I can make an honest judgement on what I am investing into. If I am lacking energy even before committing to something, than I know that the results I will attain will not meet my expectations or will not fulfill me the way I want it too.

I am no longer going to cheat myself. I plan to do this by being honest and true to myself and admitting when I haven’t done what I need to do. This will force me to take appropriate actions to align myself with my goals. I need to take better and more conscious action toward achieving my goals and I can only do that if my mind isn’t distracted by my own lies. There is nothing wrong with not accomplishing things, but there is something wrong with setting out goals, doing it half-assed, lying about the results because you never attained them the way you anticipated, and ultimately cheating yourself of personal development.

Time to reflect:

Do you cheat yourself? Do you tell yourself you will do something and then recant or go back on your word? This might be something so small that you don’t pay attention too such as making your bed in the morning, or exercising 3 times a week and etc.. But, it’s those small habits that lead to your character. Do you want to be known as a cheat and liar to yourself? Because I know I don’t! I want to be able to look myself in the eyes and with conviction say that everything I do and say is 100% the truth of my reality. Once I become that woman, I can achieve anything, and so can you!

August 9, 2014

Superficial me

I remember a time when I used to be something that I am not, nor something I wish to ever be again. I remember a time when I became this person that I didn’t even recognize while looking at myself in the mirror. Let me tell you a story about my once superficial self.

I studied at the # 1 University of Canada and during those years I was introduced to a multitude of new experiences. It was during my university days that I realized there was so much more to me than meets the eye. I realized that I was rather attractive to the opposite sex and drew men in with my personality and looks. I had a hot body, killer style and boy could I dance. I was the life of the party, all without the need for alcohol or any other intoxicants. I started experimenting because that’s what students do. I experimented with my personality. I tried to embody the various personalities that I came across, such as the studious student, the wild party animal, the sexy seductress, the loyal girlfriend, the ride or die chick, the best friend, the spontaneous adventurous girl and the list goes on. Along the way I discovered my likes and dislikes, but most importantly what I learned was my own limitations. After experimenting for 4 years I finally decided to settle down into a personality that I felt was me, a stay at home wife. It was during this time that I developed the superficial me.

I remember a time when I never repeated the same clothes for 2 and a half years straight. I never even repeated my undergarments. I would spend hours getting ready putting on makeup, doing my hair and spending my husbands hard earned money on cosmetic procedures such as eyelash and hair extensions, dye jobs, fake nails, contact lenses, shoes, clothes and a whole list of self absorbed activities. I became obsessed with always looking different and having stylish clothing every day. I was known for my style and my “glamorous” lifestyle. Many of my friends at the time, were envious of what I amassed. This apparent freedom, to be pampered always and not having to work hard or contribute back to society in any meaningful way, was what made many jealous. Little did they know the darkness, depression and tragedy glooming within my soul that was developing as I continued on this destructive superficial path.

I had become so used to this superficial me, that when life changed it was like a ton of bricks just hit me. It was a very sudden change, everything around me was falling apart and dissolving into nothing. My identity that I built in the past few years was no longer something I could live with or wanted. I remember the day I realized the person I was looking at in the mirror was not who I ever wanted to be. I remember many occasions where I would stare at myself in the mirror and not recognize who I was through those coloured contact lenses. It took me losing everything to realize my limiations. I know what I am fully capable of. I can be a bitch, I can be selfish, I can be self absorbed, vindictive, and I can even hate and judge with no real reason. These traits I developed scared the shit out of me. I couldn’t in good conscience be that type of person to my children (if I decided to have any) and teach them these lessons in life; wasting money, spending without care, being vain, always chasing after happiness in material things, and etc.. This thought was haunting me and I finally had a breakthrough one day when my entire world came crashing beneath me. My ex filed for divorce because of a selfish mistake I made. That loss of identity freed me from the monster I was becoming.

The person I was becoming was never my intention. Life happened and it forced me to make unconscious decisions that felt good at the moment based on misinformation. The many choices I made were never thought out and quite reckless and detrimental to the well being of myself and others. This habit was almost becoming my character and that fact alone was the wake up call I needed to change who I was. I never want to be remembered for my superficial ways, instead I want to share my story of my demise to help inspire you. I want you to realize that not everything is as it seems, not even you. Those happy moments you are experiencing are not real if you are not content with your being. For me, it took losing myself and my soul to be found again. I had to experience the journey of losing sight of who I am and want to be by becoming something I was not meant to be. If you are also experiencing this dual personality, it may be your soul screaming out at you to rediscover who you are actually supposed to be.

“I am aware that I am less than some people prefer me to be, but most people are unaware that I am so much more than what they see.” ~ Douglas Pagels

Was Lost then Found

A Journey into the mind, body and soul

Misc.