Stop the negative self-talk

For most of my life I’ve dealt with negativity, as I’m sure many people have as well.  The negativity that I’m speaking of is constantly being told that my actions are never good enough or that my performance was just ok.  I hardly ever heard any words of encouragement or appreciation for what I did or tried to do.  I was never told that I made someone proud until my 30th birthday, I am now 31.  I was always compared to other people my age or within my culture and even though I was more successful than others it was never acknowledged.  So, those of you reading this might think, “Well, ok buttercup, just suck it up and move on because life could be worse”.  And yes, you’re right life could definitely be worse.  I could be living in Syria right now and witnessing my family and friends being blown to pieces because of false wars.  But, the reason why I am writing about this is because this negativity that others deal with has now spilled over into my own personality.

I have always been the type of person to look for the best in every bad situation.  I am an encourager and I understand that in order to motivate others and myself you have to build people up, not break them down.  I am fully aware of this, however, after years and years of being spoken to in that manner, I started speaking to myself negatively.  At first, I reasoned with myself and convinced myself that being insulted is a good thing.  In fact, if you go back to my previous blogs you will see I even wrote about how being broken helps push me to make better decisions in life.  However, as I’m noticing my own negative self-talk I am seeing how it actually affects me.  It’s one thing to be spoken to in that manner by others, but, why would I want to speak to myself that way?

I got into a bad habit over the last little while where I would literally stand in front of the mirror and talk down to myself whenever I slacked off or didn’t accomplish a desired goal.  I would tell myself horible things like, “Bitch you don’t deserve this business because you’re lazy”.  Now, I’m not saying this to myself in a derogatory way, whereby, I’m yelling at myself and being condesending.  I’m talking to myself like I would a friend and use the term “bitch” to mean bad ass girl not that I’m actually a bitch.  But, as I kept doing this I realized how negatively this was impacting my emotions.  Instead of walking away feeling uplifted after my pep talk, I felt defeated and be flooded with doubt.  This negative talk was something I had just gotten so used to that talking to myself in a loving manner seemed super foreign and abnormal.

Once I realized the negative implications of negative self-talk I changed my habit and started showering myself with compliments.  I would look at myself in the mirror and tell myself things like, “You are beautiful and you deserve the absolute best” or “You are so talented and you should be proud of yourself for how far along you’ve come.”  The simple choice in talking to myself in a loving manner drastically improved my life and my perspective of myself.  I no longer look at myself with pity or regret, instead I see infinite potential.  I finally don’t need any validation from anyone else because I’m providing that to myself.  The feeling is great, to be told you are amazing, even if it’s you talking to yourself.  So, going forward, I have decided I will forever STOP the negative self-talk and be my own cheerleader.  There is already so much negativity that exists in this world, don’t add to it by being your own worst critic.  Learn to love yourself and speak to yourself in the same manner you would to a boyfriend or girlfriend.  This change in language and attitude will make a huge difference in your life and give you the confidence you need to tackle anything and everything.

mindbodysoul

“By reinforcing negative thoughts, I am giving up on self-worth.” ~ Andrea Marti

Accepting the reality

For the past few years I’ve been dealing with an on again off again relationship. This relationship has been by far the hardest one to get over. For some reason I keep getting sucked right back into the viscious cycle. This relationship is extremely unique, whereby, most people in normal relationships would probably consider it quite unhealthy. I do not deny that many components of this relationship is in fact unhealthy. However, something inside of me is not willing to give up on the potential of the other person involved. For some weird reason I have this massive obligation, or feel the need too, nurture my partner and help him grow as an individual.

After years of agonizing over whether to leave or stay, I have finally come to the conclusion of accepting the reality that is.  I have come to finally accept that this person came into my life as a lesson but not a lifetime.  I am well aware that this person was introduced to me by the universe to help shake things up and make me break free from my old ways.  I understand today that this relationship was designed to strengthen me and help me put things into perspective of what I truly deserve versus what I want.  I have allowed my heart to follow its course and I can safely say I have zero regrets.  My heart has not been broken nor has it given up.  Instead, my heart has finally learned and applied unconditional love.

I know that unconditional love is very rare to find.  Unless you have children most people will never understand the notion of unconditional love.  However, from time to time, we get the rare individuals that come into our lives who help us finally grasp this concept.  To feel so strongly for someone that you have zero obligation too is a beautiful thing.  I have become a better person because of my partner.  I have learned what my limits and my extremes are.  I can finally truly look at myself in the mirror and know exactly what I deserve.

I have accepted the reality of my partner and his purpose in my life.  I am very grateful that I stuck it out and allowed my heart to pursue what it wanted.  I have learned to trust my soul and heart because of this man.  I have finally learned to let go and trust in the universe to teach me the lessons that I am supposed to learn.   I am not giving up on our relationship, rather, I am accepting his limited scope within my world.  By finally accepting the reality, I no longer fear the end of our relationship, rather, I am embracing the change that is to come.  I no longer fear not having him in my life, rather, I am excited to start a new beginning of self-love.  By accepting the reality of our situation, both of us can finally grow and apply the many lessons we have taught one another.  By accepting the reality, both of us can transform into the persons we are meant to be.

mindbodysoul

“It is an absolute human certainty that no one can know his own beauty or perceive a sense of his own worth until it has been reflected back to him in the mirror of another loving, caring human being.”        ~ John Joseph Powell

Attitude of Gratitude

My attitude stinks!  My attitude toward myself, most importantly, sucks and needs a major overhaul.  I am realizing that in order for my attitude to change I have to make that change directly from inside of myself, no where else.  I can’t go buy a bottle of gratitude, I can only achieve gratitude by focusing my attitude on feeling gratification instead of focusing on all the other feelings that are associated with “attitude”.  Does this make sense?

Ok let me try to explain it a little more clearly.  I grew up in a very negative enviroment.  I constantly heard negativity and it was rare to ever hear words of encouragement.  Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t grow up being physically abused to the point where I claim I’m some victim.  No no, not at all…I grew up with parents who lacked the ability to communicate positivity in a way that hindered my ability to develop gratitude.  My dad is a very positive person, however, being married to someone who is beyond the scope of negativity, has taken a toll on his ability to communicate effectively.  He still has the ability to make us feel encouraged and unstoppable but not through words or gestures, but, rather with an unspoken understanding.  My mother, on the other hand, is so negative that I can safely say her negative attitude has definitely penetrated my character and I do catch myself being just like her at times.  The saddest part is, the negativity I have learned from her doesn’t affect anyone else, it affects me directly.

What I have learned and how to cope with certain things is greatly attributed to the 30 plus years of influence by my family.  Growing up I always heard that my life or my situation was never good enough.  There was always something wrong, or missing, or not enough money, or not enough time or blah blah blah.  These lessons were never taught by my dad, only my mom.  She is the only person in my life that I could never understand because here is someone who has EVERYTHING going for her, yet, has the hardest time being GRATEFUL for all that she has.  This ungrateful attitude spilled over in us, the kids and we started becoming ungrateful about everything, including our own selves.

Having never heard a thank you, or you did a great job, I’m so proud of you, and etc. I was never grateful to myself for all that I do for myself and those around me.  I developed a poor attitude about who I am, where I’m going, what I want to be and etc..  I didn’t appreciate anything given to me, because I never realized how grateful I should be for receiving said blessings.  I didn’t appreciate myself and all the wonderful things I do as a human being to contribute to this society.  I didn’t appreciate my many gifts and talents that made me uniquely me.  I didn’t appreciate the many great things I did for others.  I didn’t learn to love myself and be honest about all that I have achieved and will achieve.  My attitude about loving myself correctly really needed a wake up call.  I needed to realize that how I talk to myself and how I feel about myself directly affects me and my overall well-being.

In order for me to change and become more grateful, I have to speak to myself in an encouraging and positive way.  I have to go out of my comfort zone and make an extra effort to stop degrading myself, being self-critical and downright mean to myself.  By speaking more lovingly and more honestly about how amazing I actually am, I can develop a much better attitude of gratitude.  I can start to appreciate all the things around me and most importantly all the things within me.  By allowing myself to love and speak to myself in a loving manner, where I tell myself that I am beautiful, smart, awesome or talented, I can finally be grateful for all that makes me, me!  This will then spill over into my outer world and that same level of love that I have for myself will transcend and be reflected in my interactions with others.  I will be able to encourage others and help them develop gratification as I exude the same level of gratification.  By fixing my own attitude of gratitude I can help slowly make the changes both within my inner and outer worlds.

mindbodysoul

“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend.” ~ Melody Beattie

 

The Human “Race”

From the moment we are conceived to the moment we die, we, as humans, are living a race, known as the human “race”.  Starting from the bare seeds within the male testicles the race begins with millions of sperm trying to outrun one another to fertilize the egg in the females uterus.  This is where the race starts and then continues until we die.  Have you ever wondered why it is that we perceive our lives like this?  Everything a race, or a competition against one another and even against ourselves?  Who are we trying to beat?  Where are we trying to go too so fast?  Why do we live in a society where we pin ourselves against each other and compete for better jobs, more money, a bigger and better house, or a better girlfriend or boyfriend?

Even when we look around us, everything is a competition or a race of some kind.  From athletics to job hunting, to fame and fortune, to education to even child rearing.  We are all living our lives trying to out do one another rather than working and collaborating together.  The notion of helping one another and uplifting or empowering others who are not at a certain level is not a norm.  We as humans love to see others fail, we love to see others being judged and degraded by those more superior.  It’s like we have this sick twisted sense of living life.

Notice how even during the Roman Empire times gladiators would fight and peasants would be torn limb from limb savagely by animals while spectators watched happily as one of their own got tormented and destroyed right before their eyes.  Now a days we do not live this barbarically, however, this sense of torment still goes on to this very day.  From sports teams to reality show competitions to scholarships to getting the best jobs, it’s become this habit of ours to judge and criticize others and compare everyone to one another to find the “best” in this race we are living.   I do get that in order for us to achieve certain things we do require the best of the best at times or we do want to learn from the best.  I, myself, aspire to be the best at whatever it is I do, however, this constant competition mode we live in is not healthy for our beings.

I wish for a world where we work together and help others who are not at the same level achieve greatness.  I wish for a world where the best teach the worst, while the worst teach the best about patience, mastering their own fine arts, and gaining the satisfaction of helping others in lesser positions than themselves.  I wish for a world where we don’t have television shows that degrade a person who sings their soul out (even if they weren’t the best), but, instead praise him for being courageous enough to pursue his passion wile giving feedback on how to improve.  I wish for a world where we don’t see women and men being pinned against each other in manipulated competitions just to win a million dollar prize but no satisfaction within our very soul.  I wish to create a world where we empower one another, where if you lack a skill you can turn to your side and ask someone who doesn’t lack that skill to help you understand how to achieve greatness in that particular department.  I wish for a world where, if we do watch television shows, that they teach us about team building and how to work with one another to help solve problems, rather than watch individuals instigate problems while breaking others down.

I know that the human race is far from what I wish it actually was, but, I have the intention to create change in this world and I will put it out into the universe.  I want the world to be exactly as how I mentioned above.  I aspire to make these changes and one day in the future these changes will happen.

mindbodysoul

“If the human race wishes to have a prolonged and indefinite period of material prosperity, they have only got to behave in a peaceful and helpful way toward one another.” ~ Winston Churchill

 

 

The heart wants what it wants

Sometimes in life we come across people that, logically speaking, we should not be with.  I am speaking of people that come into our lives to teach us lessons, turn our worlds upside down, and change or transform us into better versions of ourselves.  With these people, when it comes to the matters of the heart, all logic will be defied and nothing will make any sense.  These are the same people that have a constant pull on the strings of our hearts and we just can’t explain why.  When the heart really (with pure and good intentions) wants something, nothing can or will break that desire.

Have you ever been in a relationship that you know is not good for you?  Have you been in a relationship that hinders your own growth and you know you wouldn’t want to pursue it in the future?  You know the person you’re with at the present moment does not have all the qualities you hope for and desire in a partner.  But, for some reason you believe in a potential in them that you can only see with your heart?  You are fighting constantly to hold onto something, some slight form of hope, that everything you thought you knew or believed in about that person would eventually come true.  I know wise people always say that if a person hasn’t changed or is unwilling to change for the sake of your relationship than that person will never change.  Logic even proves time and time again that a person unwilling to make sacrafices or positive changes for a relationship doesn’t deserve to be in that relationship.  Furthermore, more often than not, people in those types of relationships don’t last forever.  How do you convince your heart to go the other way even after you know the million reasons for not being with that person you’re holding onto?

It’s hard to be a positive role model to others when you can’t seem to manage your own life, heart and mind.  However, I have to be honest about my personal struggles.  I can’t be a good role model if I mask my problems and try to convince myself that I am completely in control when I know I am completely out of control.  I have to be honest about my weaknesses so that I can make the appropriate changes.  Struggling with this inner battle of the heart and mind is taking a severe toll on my spirit and being.  My soul wants to believe in something that I can’t convince my mind of.  My logical side keeps kicking in and telling me this person is not good for me.  My mind shows me all the  things I will be giving up by continuing to pursue this relationship.  My mind and sometimes even my heart tells me that this person isn’t treating me the right way because he isn’t ready or he doesn’t deserve me.  It’s like the smart person in me knows all the things that are wrong with this whole situation.  But the lover, dreamer and optimist in me shows me a picture of how great it could be.  I see something great in the other person that the rest of the world fails to see.

I just don’t know how to get rid of this iron grip hold this person has over my heart.  I know a million reasons why I shouldn’t be with him, yet I can’t let go.  He isn’t even meeting my bare minimum standards of what I expect in a partner.  Is this a battle of my ego?  Is this really true love?  Why is my soul so connected to this individual?  Why do I feel like I can’t let him or myself down by giving up on him?  Why is this happening to me?  Something keeps pulling me back to him even though he flips the script and makes it seem like everything is my fault.  I know I sound absolutely nuts to anyone watching or reading this from the outside.  I feel crazy because I can’t make any sense of my emotions.  I am smart, so why can’t I let go of something that’s this unhealthy?  Why do I keep convincing myself that there is something more that I can’t seem to grasp just yet?  I can give the best advice to others about getting out of dysfunctional relationships, however, I can’t apply the same advice to my own situation.  Why is this?  What is wrong with me?

After struggling with this inner battle of the heart and mind for so long, I feel so broken.  I feel like I cannot be the person I wish to be by holding onto this.  At the same time, I feel like I can’t be what I wish to be without conquering this relationship either.  My heart knows what it wants, but, is what it wants even right?  In the present moment, I don’t know.  However, what I do know is, I am going to stop this battle.  I am going to trust my heart to do the right thing.  Even if it breaks, I will walk away knowing my heart was absolutely true to itself.  The only thing I can do at this point is to be honest about my struggles and hope that everything will work itself out.  I have no idea what the future holds, I only know what is held inside my heart right now.  Since there is no predicting tomorrow, I will be true to my heart today.  I will continue loving without condition.  Maybe this is exactly the purpose of this person in my life.  Maybe this is the universe’s and God’s plan to help teach me how to finally love without conditions and accept someone wholeheartedly with all their faults.  Until I figure it out, I’ll allow my heart to continue to go after what it wants.

 Time to reflect:

Are you in an unhealthy relationship that you just can’t seem to get away from?  Mine has dragged on and on for years.  It’s been a roller coaster ride indeed.  I have learned many things throughout the years, but, the most important lesson I learned was to be present and aware of my feelings in the moment.  I am not here to hide my faults and weaknesses.  I want to be a role model that can help others and most importantly help myself.  I can only accomplish that by exposing some of my deepest secrets in the hopes that someone who is sharing a similar experience can also learn and apply my life lessons to their own.  If you’re like me, trapped in a vicious cycle, trust the part of your body and spirit that speaks the loudest.  If it’s your heart listen to it.  If it’s your mind, listen to that.  Either way, be true to how you are feeling in the present moment.  Do your abolute best to be true to your feelings and take it slow and just hope for the best.  Trust yourself.

mindbodysoul

“No relationship is ever a waste of time. If it didn’t bring you what you want, it taught you what you DON’T want.” ~ bubu

Communication

I am making a conscious effort at communicating better because I believe this is one area of my life that needs development.  As a natural thinker I tend to keep my thoughts to myself instead of communicating them effectively.  Don’t get me wrong, I am an excellent communicator, but, only when I want to discuss the topics that interest me.  However, when I’m talking about improving my communication skils, I’m referring to my human connection and communication with others.  I am speaking of developing my ability to communicate my thoughts on a level that allows the other party to understand or create their own conclusions of the facts I present.  Often times I forget that people do not think like me and that creates frustration in both myself and the other person because there is a huge communication gap.

My inability to communicate stems from my lack of awareness in reading others needs.  I recently told you that I read a book by Jan Spiller who explains certain traits that we need to work on in this lifetime in order to develop ourselves spiritually.  The main lesson for me in this life is communication.  I am a very informed individual, however, I tend to keep all the knowledge I have attained to myself.  What purpose does all this studying serve if I cannot teach others of my findings?  I naturally isolate myself and avoid discussing certain topics because I feel others will not understand me.  Most of the time that I did try to discuss my findings I was shut down by the audience.  They either lost interest or it just didn’t mesh well with their beliefs.  I realize today that the information I presented is not what they shut down, but rather, my approach and how I presented the information.

I mentioned before that I have a tendency to think others already think like me.  When in fact everybody in this world has a very unique way that he/she thinks.  What I need to focus on in this life is to connect deeper with mankind on a human level, not just a worldly and universal level.  I need to stop assuming that everyone will understand my words because I understand it.  I have all this information in my head about how to attain spirituality and enlightenment, however, it is not being properly conveyed because I am not actually connecting with others.  In this life, I am here to learn how to communicate these lessons to others in a way that will allow others to become enlightened on their own.  Going forward I need to express my ideas as thoughts that I incept into their minds and have it simmer there for a while.  I am here to create a ripple effect.  Although I may not get my point across by doing this, I will connect with people this way because I got them thinking of something their minds never realized or had knowledge of.

If anyone ever watched the movie Inception, they will understand what I mean.  My approach needs to be catered to each individual by learning and understanding their needs based on their current life situations.  After connecting, I should communicate my ideas by way of asking their opinions on it.  I shouldn’t just talk about my idea, rather I should discuss the idea with the other party.  Have them give me insightful opinions based on their knowledge, even if they are not knowledgeable on the subject.  By not judging others and actually actively listening to their feedback I am giving the other person a chance to see things from my perspective and voice their opinion on the matter.  By having them discuss the topics they engage their mind in a subject that they possibly never thought about.  This is real communication.  I didn’t have to force anyone to believe what I believe, instead I got them forming their own conclusions, whether correct or incorrect.  This creates a ripple effect in their mind and allows them a chance to research the topics on their own and learn more about it in their own time.

My personal challenges have helped me relate to others in a way I never imagined.  Now, I know that I need to keep connecting with others in the way I know how, while improving my communication skills.  I have to practice communicating better and I can do this by not judging, actively listening and asking questions that allow the other party to participate.  A real teacher can only open doors for his/her students. A teacher cannot force a student to walk through that open door. I am learning that I am that teacher in life that will open your minds door. I am here to open doors for anyone who is seeking enlightenment, whether its in love, life, spirituality, or etc..

Time to reflect:

Have you ever felt like you are a teacher, however, your students are just not listening?  Maybe it’s because you are the person not listening.  Think about it.  Everyone you have encountered, have you actually listened to their side without already judging or making your own assumptions?  I urge you, that if you are a teacher of this lifetime, open yourself to the knowledge others have by asking questions and getting to know their mind.  This is the only way two minds can exchange ideas.  So, accept others for their opinions without judgement and help open their minds by opening your own first.

mindbodysoul

“The mediocre teacher tells. The good teacher explains. The superior teacher demonstrates. The great teacher inspires.” ~ William Arthur Ward

Nodes

I recently read this book called Astrology of the Soul by Jan Spiller and I was completely blown away.  This book discusses Nodes and how they drastically affect a persons personality and characteristics based on past life experiences.  The North Node and South Node of the moon are direct opposites of one another.  The Nodes represent points of ones karmic imbalance.  Meaning, the characteristics you developed in past lives have a natural tendency to creep up in your current life even if they don’t make sense to the type of person you are in this life.  The North Node represents the kinds of experiences that we must work on to develop our karma and to allow spiritual growth.  The South Node represents those experiences and qualities that come naturally to us and are over-developed from past lives.  By understanding these two Nodes we can learn to apply the lessons we are meant to master in this lifetime.

The reason why I am writing about this is to share how amazing this book really is.  If we all took the time to dig deep and understand our invidual personalities and how they affect the type of choices we make, we could attain happiness and fulfillment a lot quicker.  By understanding the type of natural tendencies you have (which may be negative tendencies) you can avoid making poor choices.  By understanding the type of weak characteristics you have and need to develop, you can make more conscious choices to improve your life.  Understanding the balance between the two Nodes can help you become a more effective human being.

We all have natural tendencies that get carried on somehow.  I am sure you all experienced this at some point in your life.  Think about it for a second.  Have you ever wondered how you are interested in certain topics or how you always end up making the same type of choices over and over again?  For example, I love philosophy, history, religion, science and etc..  After analyzing my Nodes I was able to determine that in my past lives I was a philospher who was always on a quest to find universal truth.  When I read this, it blew my mind.  It totally makes sense.  The family I grew up in, the environment I come from and my surroundings, in this life, does not have any connection to those subjects.  My family is not politcal, philosophical, religious, or scientific.  I come from a middle class average family with minimal interests and I always wondered how I fit in.

In my past lives I have always been one to isolate myself and seek universal truth on my own.  This is something that I have mastered and this tendency, I noticed, does come up in my current life.  When I feel overwhelmed or stressed my natural tendency is to isolate myself from everyone around me.  I retreat and shut down and I stop communicating with others because I feel misunderstood.  I feel unaccepted because my thoughts don’t match the rest of society.  The lessons I am supposed to learn in this life is not what I have already mastered in previous lives, ie. searching for universal truth.  The lesson in this life is to communicate better.  I am meant to develop better communication habits and I am given that enviroment to do so.  I have a large family and one of the biggest problems we all face is communicating effectively with one another. I am also the oldest of many young cousins and they all look up to me.  I am supposed to be a teacher in this life and help those around me become enlightened to the truths that I have already mastered previously.

So, in this life, my lesson is to become a better communicator.  I am here to master the art of connecting deeper with humans and understanding them better so I can enlighten them effectively.  I am here to learn about different human personalities and pass along my universal truths so they too can grow spiritually.  When I think about this, everything in my life makes sense.  My role in my family, in my community, amongst my friends and colleagues all point to me being that teacher in their lives that will guide them to finding their true selves.  So, I leave you all with this information to help enlighten you.  By sharing my knowledge and communicating the “truths” that I know of and have experienced, I hope you can make more effective choices in your life that will lead you to reaching your full potential in this lifetime.

mindbodysoul

“We are born at a given moment, in a given place and, like vintage years of wine, we have the qualities of the year and of the season of which we are born. Astrology does not lay claim to anything more.” ~ Carl Jung